Touch Tone Terrorist

The Touch-Tone Terrorists are actually one man, Pete Dzoghi who also goes by the name of ' RePete '. The Junkyard Willie Prank Call Tapes - Customer Service Crackpots (formerly Touch-Tone Terrorists) By popular demand this 4 th and final CD features more INCOMING calls for customer service that turn angry!Callers get caught completely off guard, thinking they have reached a credit card company, bank, auto insurance company, auto rental company, phone company, office supplies company, etc. Directed by Jack Edward Sawyers, RePete. With Melinda Augustina, Sara Barrett, Marina Blumenthal, Curtis Byrd. The Junkyard Willie Movie: Lost In Transit is a rather raunchy and tasteless independent comedy film based on the Touch-Tone Terrorists prank calls CD's (as heard on Howard Stern and Crank Yankers on Comedy Central and MTV2). This movie also features Mary Carey (Sober House, Celebrity. Touch-Tone Terrorists is arguably the BEST prank call group out today! Here's some of the clips of one of the characters- JIMBOB, a stuttering hillbilly in a wheelchair with poor customer service skills and a low IQ.

1. Touch Tone Terrorists City Brake
2. Touch Tone Terrorists Junkyard Willie

Tony Barbieri & The Touch-Tone Terrorists. Season 1 Ep 67/7/2002. Niles Standish orders invitations for his party, and Tony DeLoge makes campaign promises.

The Touch-Tone Terrorists is a series of prank phone callscomedyCDs.

About[edit]

The Touch-Tone Terrorists are actually one man, Pete Dzoghi^[1] who also goes by the name of 'RePete'. He purchased a series of 1-800 numbers, including ones that were one digit different than actual customer service numbers for companies such as (apparently) UPS, an oil change business, an auto insurance 'claims support line', a psychic hotline, a pen manufacturer, a bank, department store, phone company, and others.^[2] Using a Gentner SPH-3A telephone hybrid and a Yamaha SPX-90 electronic pitch transposer to alter his voice over the phone, he would take incoming calls from people who had misdialed the number and were under the assumption that they had dialed the right number. He created a series of ridiculous exaggerated characters, all of which were voiced by him.^[2]

Several Touch-Tone Terrorists calls were featured on Crank Yankers on Comedy Central and MTV2, most notably the Yankerville Parcel Service calls.

Touch Tone Terrorists Drunk Job Applicant

At one point UPS tried to stop the sale of the Touch-Tone Terrorists CDs through a series of letters demanding, among other things, that all inventory of Infestation Records' CDs be 'delivered' to UPS lawyers 'for destruction', because UPS believed that many of the TTT calls involved customers who thought they were speaking to UPS customer service representatives.^[2] Infestation Records refused to comply on the basis that the CDs are a protected parody and the calls were recorded legally.^[2] RePete consulted with several attorneys regarding various legal issues to make sure that what he was doing was within legal grounds. All subjects give their permission to have their voices on the CDs, and were 'paid well.'^[2]

Pete Dzoghi was also a frequent guest on Howard Stern's radio show, once in person, but usually called upon to crank callHoward Stern staff and Wack Pack members, such as Crazy Alice, and High Pitch Eric. When Howard Stern first began airing Touch-Tone Terrorists, the album A Permanent Lapse of Reason peaked as high as #5 on Amazon.com's hot 100 albums.^[3]

RePete says he has retired from recording prank calls, as he claims the process of recording and releasing the calls as well as dealing with illegal file sharing of his tracks require over two years of full-time work. When the fifth album, Customer Care Creeps, was released, RePete also recorded an alternative, staged version of the calls in which he himself voiced the caller's voices. Many people thought these fake calls were the actual album, but RePete stated that the staged calls were not the real album but rather those that were propagated on illegal P2P file sharing networks. RePete also says on his website that he can no longer legally record the calls that he used to record due to changes in the law in his home state of California.^[4]

Touch Tone Terrorists Junkyard Willie

Characters[edit]

• Junkyard Willie Robinson: A gravelly-voiced African-American man with a bad attitude. He is known for launching off into litanies of curse words and Ebonics, then filibustering during the arguments that ensue. He frequently threatens to 'pee in yo gas tank' and tells customers to 'calm yo ass down!' Also often uses variations of phrases that include 'jive turkey', 'talkin' trash', and 'old bag'. Willie is from Compton, California, and used to be an operator of a junkyard where he would shine hubcaps. According to at least one tirade against an irate customer, he claims to have been a Drill instructor in the Army.
• Jim Bob the Handicapped Hillbilly: A stutteringmentally challengedhillbilly in a wheelchair with poor customer service skills and a low IQ. He insults customers with phrases like 'bird brain', 'lunkhead' and 'city slicker'.
• Blade Jones the Drunk Guy: A homeless^{[citation needed]} drunk, he readily admits to customers that he regularly uses drugs and alcohol at work. He often vomits while customers are on the phone ('Sorry, I just had a little too much to drink'), and calls prospective employers looking for a job.
• Stu Jaimison the Big Shot: The arrogant, corporate big shot. He is unsympathetic to disgruntled customers, frequently telling callers that they are 'a drop in the bucket' to his company.
• Joe: The nice guy. Irate customers will often complain to him because he has sympathetic ear, after which he'll 'transfer' the call to Jim Bob or Junkyard Willie, sometimes cyclically until the caller becomes sufficiently exasperated and hangs up. Joe usually consoles the customers, often telling them 'You deserve better service than this', before transferring them again.
• Vladimir: A rude Russian who gets under people's skin ('You sound like stupid American').
• Old Man Louie Pellagrini: A senile 90-something-year-old ('I love booze and broads'). Known for attempting to get booze delivered to his hospital room, calling to get a ride back to the retirement home from a strip bar, or calling in search of his lost colostomy bag.
• Tic-Tac the Low Calorie Loco: A Mexican-American who annoys customers by interrupting them in Spanglish.
• Clarence Washington: An Ebonics talking African-American man talks a whole lot of 'mumbo jumbo'.

The CDs and DVD[edit]

• Appetite For Disruption: This is the first CD in the series. Released in 1998, it features 18 outbound prank calls.
• A Permanent Lapse of Reason: This is the second CD in the series. Released in 1999, it is the first CD in the series to feature inbound prank calls. This CD has a total of 21 calls, 5 of which were inbound.
• Customer Service Disasters: This is the third CD in the series originally released in 2000 and contains 16 calls. This CD was re-released in 2005 with 2 new calls and new cover art. By popular demand 17 of the 18 calls feature inbound (wrong number) calls for various businesses.
• Customer Service Crackpots: This is the fourth CD in the series, released in 2002. This is the first CD in the series that does not go by the name Touch-Tone Terrorists. It appeared under the name The Junkyard Willie Prank Call Tapes 4 due to its release shortly after the September 11 attacks. This CD features 22 prank calls.
• The Junkyard Willie Movie: Lost In Transit: A straight-to-DVD movie based loosely on the Touch-Tone Terrorists characters. The film, released in 2008, includes one new prank call.
• Customer Care Creeps: This is the 5th CD in the series, was released in two parts in 2009 and 2015 and contains 16 calls.^[5]

See also[edit]

Touch Tone Terrorists City Brake

References[edit]

1. ^Pete Dzoghi on IMDb
2. ^ ^abcdeFrequently Axed QuestionsArchived 2007-02-14 at the Wayback Machine
3. ^LA Weekly - News - The Merry Prankster - John Whalen - The Essential Online Resource for Los Angeles
4. ^Touch-Tone Terrorists news
5. ^Junkyardwillie.com

External links[edit]

For The Week Of 12/30/2002 to 1/3/2003

Touch Tone Terrorists Junkyard Willie

• The Best Of Stern. 12/30/02.
  One more week of reruns left. Here's what we heard on today's Best of Stern:
  • 'Howard's Hot Dog' song parody.
  • Touch Tone Terrorist Junkyard Willie prank calls Crazy Alice.
  • Howard talks to High Pitch Erik for the first time. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 8/15/97. 6:30am
      This guy called in this morning for some reason. Howard said that the guy stands outside of the radio station telling him that he can do interviews and stuff like that. The guy is 6'1' tall and weighs 275 pounds but his voice sounds like Mickey Mouse. It sounds like he's doing a fake voice but he's not. He kind of sounds like he's doing a Jackie The Joke Man impression. Howard invited him down to the studio. Maybe we have another Wack Pack member here. He came in about 8:25. He said he's never gotten laid. Howard said that he's not that bad looking, it's just his voice that must freak women out. He could have had his voice fixed with an operation but he'd have to be awake for the surgery. He was at some appearance that Gary was making and Gary thought the guy was retarded at first. Today he's more normal according to Gary. Howard took a couple of phone calls from women who were willing to date him. Eventually they found a wacky woman by the name of Pipi. She says she used to be a slut but she's not anymore. She's 5'3' tall, 110 pounds with a 36 DD chest. The two of them will go out on a date and have it taped. They'll be back on at a future date. Before he left he tried inhaling helium to see if his voice would change...it didn't the first time but after they told him how to do it correctly it changed slightly. Rosie Perez came in so he left.
  • Howard talks to Crazy Cabbie about whether or not he's gay. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/26/01. 7:30am
      Crazy Cabbie came in to discuss his gay story that he told late in the show last Friday. The first thing he said to Howard was that he didn't come out of the closet like everyone is saying he did. He said he doesn't have gay sex normally and he hasn't had sex with a guy in years. Gary asked him 'If you kill one man are you a murderer?' but Cabbie rationalized his gay sex saying that he's killed people, in the Gulf War, and he's not a murderer. So gay sex once or twice shouldn't make him 'gay'. Howard thinks that this hidden gay thing is the reason Cabbie smoked crack and had to go to rehab. He thinks that coming out of the closet might help cure him.

      'Sam Kinison' was in this morning talking about how he had to come back from Hell to hear Cabbie's story. Howard replayed the tape of Cabbie's admission of having gay sex to refresh everyone's memory.

      Howard planned on having everyone take a lie detector test this morning to find out if anyone else is gay but Ed Torian, the polygraph guy, canceled last night. So they had no one to give them the test.

      After playing the tape Howard talked to Cabbie about the whole thing. He asked Cabbie when the last time he had gay sex was. He said it was in 1993 but he had a 'situation' in 1997 that could have turned into something. Cabbie explained how he went to a gay bar and picked up a guy. He went home with him but nothing happened. No one believes nothing happened though. Cabbie said he just wanted to check out the whole situation and when he got to the guy's house he thought to himself 'what the hell am I doing here?' and left. He said he felt bad for the other guy though. He said he felt like a chick when he didn't give it to the guy because he probably though the was going to get some. Howard said that maybe Cabbie is bi-sexual but Cabbie just says he's willing to experiment. He also keeps telling everyone that he just bangs chicks these days and they all tell him he's the most man they've ever had. Everyone tells him that he's just overcompensating because he's actually gay.

      Cabbie said he got tons of positive e-mail feedback about his admission last week and he thanked everyone for all of that.

      Howard asked Cabbie if he finds someone like Russell Crowe attractive when he sees him on TV. Cabbie doesn't like Crowe at all. He doesn't like Jennifer Lopez either. He told Howard that he thinks Fred is attractive in a 'Marlboro man' type of way. He also thinks that Ralph is good looking but he's not attracted to him.

      Cabbie told Howard that when he did that guy from his cab, it was the woman who had gotten him excited in the sexual situation. Howard asked him if he's ever gotten it on with a guy without a woman in the room. Cabbie paused for a second and then said that, yes, he had gay sex without a woman in the room to get him excited. Howard tried to convince him that he's gay if he does stuff like that but Cabbie didn't want to hear it.

      Then Cabbie told Howard how he and his paratrooper partners in the Gulf War all stood around in a circle and whacked off as a 'goodbye' to Iraq. 'That's gay' Howard says. Cabbie said that paratroopers have a 'bond' that you can't imagine. 'Sam Kinison' chimed in and said that it wasn't a bond, it was more like a sticky adhesive.' 'Sam' also said that when he was on tour with other comedians, they never stood around in a circle at a comedy club to jerk one off to say goodbye to the place.

      The longer they spoke the more we learned about Cabbie. He told Howard that his first gay experience was when he was 13. He and a friend got a hold of some porn and whacked off together. They did touch each other a bit but they ended up finishing up on their own. Cabbie said that they weren't excited over each other, it was the porn that got them excited. He also said that they did it more than once. It was more like a few times.

      Howard told Cabbie that there's nothing wrong with being gay, he just doesn't understand why he won't admit it. Cabbie will be back tomorrow to take the lie detector test that was scheduled for today.

      3/26/01. 8:35am
      After taking a break from the whole Cabbie thing Howard killed some time with some other stuff. He had a mystery record that he played real quick. It was Jennifer Love Hewitt singing some song. Howard said it wasn't any worse than the other crap that's out there. He said that Gary downloaded it from Napster without a problem. He said that Napster hasn't changed all that much since they started filtering copyrighted songs. His daughters were downloading over the weekend and they said nothing has changed. They were able to download everything they wanted.

      Cabbie said that Stuttering John freaked out when he walked into the bathroom during the commercial break. Cabbie thinks that means that John might be gay. He continues to say that we'll be surprised when we find out who else on the show has had gay sex.

      Howard said that Cabbie might be interested in tonight's airing of the remake of 'South Pacific'. It's a musical so Cabbie might like it since he's gay.

      Howard spent a couple more minutes commenting on the Academy Awards show. He said that Russell Crowe has to stop taking himself so seriously. He thinks he's some tough guy all of a sudden when he's just a 'sissy actor'. Howard also read their first e-mail. It was a joke that said something like 'They've found out where the disease that only black people get, sickle cell anemia came from... The glue on welfare stamps.

      Howard got back to Cabbie and killed more time talking to him about the gay thing. 'Sam Kinison' asked Howard if he thinks that Cabbie is like a slutty woman when he's with a guy. He wondered if Cabbie says 'I don't usually do this' as he's pulling down his pants. Howard told everyone that when they take the polygraph tomorrow, he'll have to say that he had a gay experience because when he was 6 some guy told him to touch him while he was sitting with his pants down on the couch. He touched him but felt something was wrong so he walked away. Howard doesn't think Cabbie will be able to bet the polygraph even though he might think that he's not gay.

      Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Cabbie if he's ever tasted a mans Cabbe Goul.. or his spooge. Cabbie hesitated and said he knows the taste but it's because he's tasted his own. He tried to explain how he's tasted it while giving oral to a woman he already finished in.

      Cabbie told Howard that his first gay anal experience was when he was working at a porn movie theater at the age of 18. He used to hook up with couples and some guys would even pay him to have sex with their wives.

      High Pitch Erik called in and said that he wants to take a lie detector test. Howard thinks he's gay too but he swears he's not. The gay Cabbie stuff continued through the rest of the show.

      At one point a guy from the Spanish radio station across the street from Howard's station called in. Howard said that the guy is the 'Spanish Howard Stern' and he was hoping that Howard would wish him a 'happy birthday'. Howard did just that and that was about it. The whole thing lasted about 30 seconds.

      Howard moved on to do the news but the subject of Cabbie kept coming up over and over. At one point 'Sam' suggested that Cabbie be called Crazy Cathy from now on. Howard thought that was funny and started using it right away. Craig Gass immediately started doing his best 'Crazy Cathy' impression and kept it going through the rest of the news.

  • Howard talks to Slow Adam for the first time.
  • Howard plays Gary Garver interviews. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    3/27/01. 7:55am
    While some people were taking the lie detector tests in the back room Howard played tape of Gary Garver interviewing some people at a post-Oscar party called Night of 100 Stars out in Los Angeles. Here are some of those interviews:
    • Gary Busey
      • Do you enjoy the benefits of Viagra?
      • Who has the largest ass in Hollywood? - You do
      • Have you gotten aroused during a love scene? - Only if the script calls for it
      • What happened to your career? - Nothing, it's going fine
      • Have you ever had a gay experience? - No
      • Why are there so many Jews in the music business?
      • How often do you have anal sex? - Uh.. you know your questions are really stupid
      Busey didn't seem interested in answering any of the questions and when they got to the anal sex question he told Garver the questions were stupid. Gary told him he was from the Stern show and Busey gave Howard some tips on losing weight that made no sense at all. He said something about putting salt on his ass and going to the petting zoo but no one understood it.
    • Janet Leigh
      • Which parent told you about sex? - Mom
      • Have you gotten aroused during sex scenes? - Heck yes
      • If one man gives another man oral sex does that make him gay? - I can't go there
      • Did you ever do a black guy? - What?
      • Would you date Howard Stern now that he's single? - I don't think so
    • Bridget Fonda
      • Have you gotten aroused during a love scene? Not that I remember
      • Would you commit a homosexual act for a million bucks? - I wouldn't do any sex act for money... for fun maybe
      • Have you ever had a lesbian experience? - No
      • Have you ever urinated in the shower? - If Howard wants to ask me these questions he can do it on his show
    • Sean Young
      • What makes you so special? - My uniqueness and originality
      • Who has the largest ass in Hollywood? - Anna Nicole Smith
      • Would your career be helped if you got implants? - Sure
      • Would you date Howard Stern now that he's single? - Howard's single? I don't think so... He's too tall and his face is too skinny... it would be like two fish kissing
    • Don Cornelius
      • Don asked Gary who he was with. Gary told him it was for Howard and Don told him that he 'works for the worst asshole in America'
    • Cliff Robertson
      • Do you enjoy the benefits of Viagra? - Not yet...
      • Do you get aroused during love scenes? - Is this for Howard Stern?... I think he's a talented guy
    • Viveca A. Fox
      • Do you think there are too many useless award shows? - Yes
      • Who has the fattest ass in Hollywood?
      • Have you ever had a lesbian Experience? - No.. I'm strictly dickly
      • Is penis size important? - No, it's the motion of the ocean...
      Viveca rambled on and on about herself and how she guessed 13 out of the 24 awards given at the Oscars. She also rambled about the fattest ass in Hollywood because movies make women look fatter.
    • Casanova
      • Do you enjoy the benefits of Viagra?
      • Has OJ been unfairly prosecuted?
      • Why are there so many Jews in the music business? - Because they have no talent but they have the money to buy their way in.
      • Do you think the media portrays blacks in a negative way?
      • Do you ever frighten whites for the hell of it?
      • What do you think of Howard Stern?
      This rapper answered all of the questions, except for the Jew question, by singing in rhymes. He did a pretty cool one for the Howard question.
  • Howard talks to ex-slave, Franics Bock.
    • 4/17/01. 8:45am
      This guy Francis Bock was a slave in Sudan from the age of 7 to 17. He called in to tell Howard his story. He had a very heavy accent to some of the story was hard to follow. Howard and Robin interpreted some of the stuff that was really hard to understand. Francis told Howard that he was sent to a market at the age of 7 to sell eggs for his mother. Some people invaded the market and kidnapped the children that were there. The kids were then forced to be slaves. Francis said that a 12 year old girl was crying when they got kidnapped and one of the kidnappers told her to shut up. When she didn't, he shot her right in front of Francis.

      Francis went on to explain how the slave owners were light skinned blacks but they referred to themselves as being white. Since Francis was darker skinned, he was called black. Francis said that his owners forced him to live in a barn with the animals because he was considered an animal himself.

      Howard kept trying to find out if there was anything sexual going on. He kept asking Francis if he was forced to have sex with the owner's wife or anything like that. Francis said that never happened and he never really thought about sex. He just thought about freedom.

      Howard also wondered how dark Francis' skin was so he tried to get him to compare himself to people like Bryant Gumbel, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and others. Francis wasn't sure exactly how to compare himself so Howard let him off the hook.

      All of the goofy questions Howard was asking eventually got to Francis and he seemed to be getting upset. Howard said he was just trying to add some humor to the show but he eventually let up on him.

      Francis said that there will be an anti-slavery march going on up in Boston sometime this month. You can find out more about that at Anti-Slavery.org

• Football Pool Winner Announced. 12/30/02. 8:00am
  The winner of the $25,000 BetOnSports.com football pool was announced today. Gary called in and gave the final results for the pool. Before this week's games William 'Refrigerator' Perry and KC Armstrong were tied so either one could have taken the pool. The Fridge lucked out and got a win so he'll be taking home the $25,000. KC lost because of a half point spread on the Redskins game he picked. Here are the final win/loss results for everyone in the pool:
  • William 'Refrigerator' Perry - 9-5
  • KC Armstrong - 8-6
  • Dax the Monkey - 7-7
  • Jackson Dell'Abate - 6-7-1
  • Artie Lange - 4-10

• The Best Of Stern. 12/31/02.
  More reruns. Here's what we heard today:
  • 'My Name Is... Wood Yi' song parody.
  • Sheryl Crow performs 'If it Makes You Happy.'
  • Howard talks to Mickey Rooney on the phone. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2-9-96. Mickey Rooney called in while Howard was doing a bit on how easy it is to act like a retard in movies. Mickey is a really big fan of Howard's. Mickey was rambling on and on about doing a movie with Howard. I don't think that anyone knew what the hell he was talking about...not even Mickey!
  • Howard talks to Kelsey Grammer during an interview with Ebert and Roeper. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/15/01. 7:50am
      Roger Ebert and his co-host Richard Roeper came in to promote their Oscar special that will be airing on ABC sometime soon. Howard and Robin wondered why the two of them still use the thumbs up thing on their movie review show. Ebert said he'd rather use them than let someone else steal it. He said they use it under license from Siskel Productions.

      Howard asked the two of them if they think Rex Reed is a legitimate movie reviewer. Roger tried to avoid answering but Roeper didn't. He said that he doesn't think Reed was ever a serious movie reviewer. Roger eventually said that he didn't like the way Reed always related people and movies to food. He did kiss his ass about his celebrity interviews though.

      Howard also asked the two of them their opinions on Leno and Letterman. Roger said that he thinks Letterman is a better interviewer.

      Howard also asked them about the new rule of 45 seconds to make your acceptance speech on the Oscars. Howard thinks it's ridiculous. Roeper and Ebert think the same thing. Howard used Julia Roberts as an example. She's really hard to get interviews with and now if she wins, she'll be off the stage in 30 seconds or so. Howard also wondered why Julia does such crappy films like 'The Mexican'. Ebert and Roeper didn't think that it was that bad though. They said she's just so likeable that people will go to see any piece of crap she's in.

      Adam Sandler was another example. Howard asked why his last movie flopped. Ebert thinks that the young audience is just fed up with him and he's too old for that stuff now. Craig Gass did a good Sandler impression for the two guests. Ebert said that his Al Pacino was spot on too so he did some more of that for them.

      Roeper is apparently getting some hot chicks now that he's kind of famous so Howard spent some time talking about that. He also tried to talk to Ebert about women but he stays pretty quiet.

      Howard took a phone call from some nut who played part of the 'Exorcist' movie where they added a new scene called 'The spider walk'. The guy said it didn't make any sense to him. The whole phone call made no sense to Howard. Ebert told him that it was a scene added by the writer and a lot of people were upset about it. Ebert said they should make the scenes available on DVD but leave the original movie the way it was. Howard then mentioned colorization of black and white movies and how he enjoys it. Ebert doesn't like it and thinks that they should be left black and white. Howard thinks it brings in a new audience but Ebert said that's not true.

      Kelsey Grammer called in during the interview to promote the movie '15 Minutes' in which he has a part. Howard, who loves to make fun of Kelsey's wife's irritable bowel syndrome, had Fred playing fart sounds through most of the phone call. Kelsey was kind of quiet but Howard kept it going. He said he couldn't hear it but eventually asked Howard to stop it. Howard still wouldn't get off the subject of Camille's problem though. Howard then kissed Kelsey's ass a bit by telling him how good he was in '15 Minutes'. He said he didn't think about his TV character Frasier once during his scenes. Howard thinks that means he's a great actor. Howard got back to the IBS and even spoke to Camille for a minute. She told him some of the symptoms of her IBS and tried to straighten out his misconceptions.

      After Kelsey's call Howard wrapped up the interview with Ebert and Roeper. He read some of their top 10 movie picks and pondered why they picked some of them.

  • Howard plays a song parody someone performed about Fred changing his name to Erik.
  • Howard and the guys take lie detector tests to find out if they've ever had gay experiences. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/27/01. 8:15am
      Yesterday was supposed to be a day of lie detector tests for Crazy Cabbie and all of the other guys on the show. Howard wanted to find out the truth about everyone's gay experiences and whether or not they're gay. Ed Torian the lie detector guy canceled yesterday so they had to reschedule for today.

      While playing the Gary Garver interviews Ed was doing the testing on some of the people. When the tapes were done Howard went in and got tested himself. They had a list of about 9 questions that Ed asked each person. The first four questions were about their name, the day, the month and the state they live in. Here are the important questions:

      1. Have you ever received or given oral sex to another man?
      2. Have you ever received or given anal sex to another man?
      3. Have you ever touched another man's penis in a sexual way?
      4. Are you sexually attracted to men?
      5. Aside from the stories told on the air, are you holding back any gay stories?
      Once Howard and Gary were done he had Ed come in to give the results. The first person's results were Stuttering John's. Ed said that John was being deceptive when he said he'd never been touched in a sexual way. He was also deceptive about touching a man's penis.

      Next up was Ralph. Ed said that Ralph kept moving during the oral and anal questions so he couldn't get a reading. On number 4 Ralph said no but he was being deceptive... actually he was deceptive on all of the sex questions!

      Benjy's results were so screwy that Howard didn't even care. Benjy lied about everything from his name to whether or not he answered the questions honestly.

      Ed said that Howard was truthful in all but number 3. Howard had said yes but it came up as being deceptive.

      Scott DePace from E! was next up. Ed said that he was another one who moved during the oral and anal questions so it was hard to get a reading. He was truthful when he said he wasn't attracted to another man though.

      Gary told the truth on all but number 4.

      Everyone tried to explain why they didn't come out as being truthful on some of them but Howard didn't want to hear it. Howard then sent KC in to have his test done. When he came out Ed said that he was deceptive on just about all of the sexual questions. KC yelled that he's 'NOT GAY!' Howard knew he'd fail his test because he's always wetting his bed and having a hard time getting it up for chicks.

      Dominic Barbara's almost-ex-wife Irma called in and said that she has a cure for all of the homosexuality in the studio. She said that all they have to do is see Dominic naked and they'd go straight! Howard spent a little time talking to her and somehow she and Ralph talked about going on a date. The next thing you know they're setting up a date so Ralph can go hang out at Dominic's old house for dinner! Irma said she's ready to start dating and Ralph would be just right as the first one. Howard loved the whole discussion. He thinks it's great that Ralph could start dating her and end up spending time at Dominic's old house using all of the stuff that he's purchased over the years.

      Dominic called in at one point and said he really doesn't have a problem with Ralph dating her. He thinks that whatever makes Irma happy is a good thing. No one was believing that story though. They all know that Dominic used to hate Ralph and he wouldn't want him around his ex-wife. Ralph should go on his date this coming weekend so we should know by next week what happened.

  • Howard talks to Scott DePace about his homophobia. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/28/01. 7:30am
      Howard is still on the subject of the lie detector tests they took on the show yesterday. Howard couldn't believe how cranky Ed Torian was after testing everyone yesterday. He just wanted to get out of the place after doing 10 tests.

      Howard was talking about how he was the only one who came out on top of the tests and that everyone else had some kind of gay tendencies. Scott DePace came in to defend himself but he just got himself in deeper crap. He tried to tell everyone that the subject of hating homosexuals is not a factor in his life. Stuttering John and Gary both brought up things that prove it is a part of his life. He once tested a guy at a gym to see if he was gay by telling him 'there sure are a lot of faggots here...' He said that was a different time of his life and he knows that it was wrong to say that. John also said that Scott is worried that his kid will grow up gay so he's trying to do everything just right so he won't.

  • Howard talks to a couple who are having marital problems.

• Happy New Year! No Friggin' Show Today. 1/1/03.
  Happy New Year! There was no Best of Stern on today so this is it for updates.

• The Best Of Stern. 1/2/03.
  Only one more day of reruns after this. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • 'My Name Is... Wood Yi' song parody.
  • Meridith Brooks Performs 'Bitch' live in the studio.
  • Howard talks to talk show host Craig Kilborn. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4/18/01. 8:10am
      Craig Kilborn, the host of 'The Late Late Show' on CBS, came in to talk to Howard this morning. Before he came in Howard said Beetlejuice was in to hang out during the segment. He reminded us that Beet will be in two movies this summer including 'Scary Movie 2' and 'Bubble Boy'.

      Howard had Craig come in and he introduced him to Beetlejuice who had no idea who he was. Howard then spent a little while asking Craig about what it's like having his show on after Letterman. Craig kissed Letterman's ass like crazy and said that he is the king of late night. Vinnie Favale from CBS was sitting in this morning so Howard asked him how Craig does against Conan O'Brien. Vinnie said that the two of them are neck and neck but Conan usually wins the time slot. He said that Craig does beat Conan sometimes though.

      Howard also brought up Amber Smith who was in his movie. She was on the show recently bad mouthing Craig so Howard played tape of that for him. Howard then said he knows that the two of them are still seeing each other even after the bad mouthing. Craig didn't want to talk about it though. He kept trying to change the subject but Howard would always get back to it. Amber eventually called in and said that the things she said about him were just because they had a misunderstanding. They're friends once again. Howard asked Craig if he ever banged Amber but he said he doesn't kiss and tell. Amber kind of said that they had been together but when Craig said that he doesn't kiss and tell, she did the same thing and shut up. Craig kept bothering Howard about telling the story of how they met out in Malibu. Craig said that Howard had Carmen Electra with him and he wanted to know about what happened there. Howard went through the story about how he didn't score with her. Then he wanted to know more about Craig and Amber. They still stayed silent though.

      Howard wanted to find out just how well Craig knows Amber so he asked him a bunch of questions about her. Things like what she's done professionally and what traumatic thing just happened to her recently. He actually did pretty well. He knew quite a bit but he didn't know how many brothers or sisters she has. Amber also knew a lot about Craig.

      After saying Craig's name about 30 times during the interview, Howard asked Beetlejuice if he knew who the guy was. He didn't remember his name. When Howard found out that Paul Hogan was waiting to come on, he ended the interview and took a break.

  • Howard proves to Robin that anyone can paint like Jackson Pollock. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4/4/01. 6:05am
      (snipped)Howard recently told Robin that he was going to paint something similar to a Jackson Pollock painting so she could try and tell which one was his. She had been saying that Pollock's paintings 'move' her. Howard had someone show 6 paintings to Robin so she could guess which was Howard's. She wasn't able to figure out which was Howard's but she did pick out a phony. Howard knew she wouldn't be able to pick it out. He said all Pollock did was spray paint garbage on a canvas. Robin said she picked out the 2 that she recognized as being Pollock's. Howard said he painted the thing in 7 minutes.

      Robin argued that she knew the ones that moved her and not Pollock's earlier crap. Howard kept trying to get her to pick out the pictures that didn't move her and she wouldn't do it. Robin was getting very emotional and loud with Howard. He was trying to prove a point with this whole thing but it wasn't happening. Robin finally broke down and picked number 6 as Howard's. It was actually number 3 which Fred had guessed. Howard said the painting was called 'Help'. Robin was still sounded very upset over the whole thing for no reason. Robin eventually told Howard that his painting did look like early Jackson Pollock.

      A listener called in and offered Howard $1000 for the painting but Howard didn't want to give it up. Howard told the guy he was going to do a new painting that he'd give him for free. He said he's going to pleasure himself on a black canvas and he'll let the guy have it free. The guy didn't want to take him up on the offer.

      Robin said she never could pick out Howard's painting. She said she just let Howard do his thing after he claimed he could paint something that would move her. She told Howard to just let her be moved by something and leave it at that. Howard said 'I won!' to Robin a few times to quiet her down. She really didn't care though. The two of them argued about Pollock and whether or not he was talented. Robin said that Howard has to crap on everything that she likes. When she said that she liked Gregory Hines, Howard went in a bathroom and tap danced to show that anyone could do it. Now he's done this with Jackson Pollock. Howard said tomorrow he'll take a crap and it'll look like a Monet. Robin went silent for a minute. She then said that she wanted to crap on Stuttering John because he was just standing there laughing like a fool.

      After taking a break Howard said that the Pollock stuff won't be on any of his TV shows. The E! people told him that they don't have rights to the paintings so they can't show them on TV. Howard wondered why that is and why people can take stuff out of his book and put it on TV like they did on MSNBC. That led to Howard talking about the MSNBC special that was done about him recently. He just watched it and it bummed him out. He said he doesn't know why shows like that bum him out but this one sure did.

      Howard watched some of the David Copperfield special that was on last night and he was amazed. He said it was incredible. He described some of the tricks that Copperfield did and tried to figure out how he did them. A guy called in and said he knew how he levitated the couch. The guy explained that it's done with compressed air like an air hockey table turned upside down. Howard eventually told him he was nuts and hung up on him.

      Howard was also amazed when David cut himself in half and held the bottom part of his body. Howard then described Copperfield and some kid he reunited with his father. Howard said that Copperfield and this kid vanished from the stage they were on and appeared in Hawaii all of a sudden. Robin told him he was watching tape and it was just an illusion. Howard said you have to see it though. Howard ended up hanging up on every caller that tried to explain the tricks. One guy said they used blue screens to fake the tricks and Howard hung up on him. A magician called in and said that Copperfield gets help from other magicians. He also said he buys a lot of his tricks. Howard didn't care about all of that, he said that the guy is just an amazing illusionist.

  • Howard talks to a high school student about her first lesbian experience. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 5-22-96. An 18 year old girl called in to tell about her recent first lesbian experience. She and her friend went down to Bermuda on school vacation with her mother. They stayed in a different wing of the hotel so they weren't near the mother. But anyway, they went to a bar one night to drink a bit. A bunch of black guys came over to them and to make a long story short, they asked the two of them kiss. So they did. Later when they went to their room, they were talking about the kiss down in the bar. The friend said that it was kind of nice so they started in to it once again but this time they went a little farther...well a lot farther. I can't tell this story nearly as well as this girl did. To make things even better the girl said that she's been told that she looks like Claudia Schiffer!
  • Marky and Joey Ramone call in and fight with each other. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 9/17/97. 7:40am
      Last Friday when Joey Ramone was on the show he made a comment about his brother Marky being a drunk. Marky called in to defend himself. Marky says that he doesn't drink now so Joey had no right to call him a drunk. Howard got Joey on the phone so the two of them could work it out. They fought over the whole thing for a while and brought up things about each other that just pissed them off even more. Joey said that Marky wears a wig and Marky brought up Joey's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Joey didn't want to talk about that so Marky left it alone. Joey didn't stop talking about Marky's hair though. He said that people made fun of him while they were on the Lolla Palooza tour. Eventually they agreed to apologize to each other. They did end up doing that but later in the morning Joey called Gary and said he can't believe that he caved in.
  • Melrose Larry Green promotes his book.
  • David Letterman welcomes Howard to the Westinghouse family. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 7/2/96.
      David Letterman came in to tape a bit for his show today. Letterman's crew was there setting up for this bit for what seemed like 2 hours. The bit was supposed to seem like a surprise to Howard but Dave came in before they taped it and told Howard what was going to happen. Dave said that he was going to welcome him to the Westinghouse family with a gift. Dave even said that Howard's show was a little boring this morning! So after they spoke Dave and the crew got ready to 'surprise' Howard. The bit sounded lame on the radio and I guess it didn't work too well for TV either. Dave came in and presented Howard with either a Westinghouse dishwasher or a refrigerator...you couldn't really tell which was right. Dave called it a dishwasher and Howard called it a refrigerator... So right after the bit Dave vanished! People from his crew were looking for him and couldn't find him! Howard figured that Dave knew it didn't go well so he just took off. Howard started talking about Dave and how odd he can be. Someone came in and said that they saw Dave eating a ton of chocolate before the bit. The next thing you know, people that have worked for Dave called in and said that before Dave tapes his show he eats about 4 chocolate bars and an orange...for energy! I wonder if this was the last appearance that Dave will make on the show. He must be embarrassed as hell.

• The Best Of Stern. 1/3/03.
  Finally, the last day of reruns. Howard and the rest of the guys return on Monday. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Sal the Stockbroker's 'Gary is a Horse Tooth Jackass' song parody.
  • 'All in the Pat Cooper Family' comedy bit.
  • Howard talks to Sean Kenniff From 'Survivor' about getting Billy Joel's ex-girlfriend.
    • 8/1/01. 7:55am
      Sean Kenniff from the first season of 'Survivor' came in this morning to give Howard an update on his life. One of the last times Sean was on the show Howard talked to him about how he stole away Billy Joel's girlfriend Trish. Howard said he saw Billy out in the Hamptons during his vacation and Billy was back with Trish. Then Howard found out from Stuttering John that Billy and Trish have broken up again. John also said that Sean made it sound like he got Trish again after the two of them broke up again. Sean denied ever saying anything like that though. He got in trouble with Trish the last time he was on the show so he kept quiet about it. He said he's dating someone else right now.

      Howard was talking to Sean about what else he's been up to working for the TV show 'Extra' and the web site he's running now SurvivorSean.com. Then Howard said that Joe Rogan and Vinnie Favale had been arguing about the popularity of 'Survivor' and 'Fear Factor' during a break. The argument quickly got started again and the two of them went at each others throats. 'Fear Factor' was the number one show this week and it's been picked up for more episodes by NBC. Vinnie, a CBS executive, argues that 'Fear Factor' hasn't shown up on NBC's schedule yet so it's not really a hit show and it means nothing to NBC. Joe argued that they're in production and they're on the air now and it's become a huge hit over the summer, just like 'Survivor' did. Joe argued that Vinnie is just a 'company man' who can't deal with the fact that another network show is going to beat their shows when it airs. Howard let the two of them go at it for quite a while and it made for great radio.

      Howard also pointed out how pissed Vinnie got about the 'David E. Letterman' bit Howard did last week. Vinnie thinks that people thought it was really Dave and Howard should have made it clearer that it wasn't the real David Letterman who was doing racial jokes. Howard replayed some of that segment and Vinnie was still pissed. The guy that did the Letterman voice is amazing and sounds a lot like the real thing.

      Howard wrapped up the segment and as they went out Joe made some comment about Vinnie being a 'company bitch' or something like that. At least Joe is willing to let his real feelings out about this guy. He's not afraid to stand up for his hit show.

  • Howard and the guys attempt to pick out Jews from a line up.
  • Howard goofs on a guy who contacted the show to try and get into porno.
    • 5-15-96. Some guy that was sending letters to Howard asking him to get him in to porno movies got a phony phone call from Howard recently. The guy came down to the studio even though he was told not to. Howard called the guy as a porno movie producer and asked him to do a bunch of really wacky stuff and the guy agreed to do things like have cement poured in to his butt and let it harden. The guy went along with the whole thing and Howard eventually let him in on the joke.
  • Howard has some judges try to pick out the woman who 'lights up a room.' An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 9/18/97. 8:15am
      Howard recently read a letter from a woman who claims that people tell her that she 'lights up a room' when she walks in. Today she came down to the studio to prove it to Howard but Howard made a game out of it. First of all he brought in 3 judges: Kevin Smith, Director of the movie 'Clerks' and 'Chasing Amy', Jason Mewes an actor who was in 'Clerks' and A.J. Benza, a columnist from the New York Times. Howard really liked the 'Superman' script that Kevin wrote and sent to Howard. That movie will be directed by Tim Burton but he's not sticking with the original script. Someone sent me the address for a web site that has the script on it. I don't know who this guy though...Howard then had 3 women come into the studio. One of the 3 women is the actual woman, Victoria, who said that she lights up a room. The judges had to try and figure out which one was the real Victoria. All 3 women read from the letter that Victoria wrote. They all did terrible reads so it wasn't easy to tell which one it was. After interviewing all of the women and hearing them talk a bit the judges and Howard made their picks. The Number 2 woman was the one woman who actually lit up the room while she was there but just about everyone thought that she wasn't the one that wrote the actual letter. It turned out that number 3 was the woman who wrote the letter. Howard told her that she didn't light up the room at all. She says that people tell her that she should be an actress or something. None of the judges think that she'd be able to act either. They rated her on her ability to become a star on a scale of 1 to 10.. She rated down below 5 with all of them. During this nightmare Howard got a phone call from Ed McMahon...
  • Ed McMahon calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 9/18/97. 8:40am
      That's right! The real Ed McMahon called in to plug a tv show that he's on now. Ed is one of those people that you'd never expect to call the show because Howard has made fun of him in the past. Ed is now appearing on 'The Tom Show' on the WB network. This is Tom Arnold's show so Tom must have told Ed that Howard isn't so bad. Howard had him do his famous 'Hi Ohhhh' over the phone a couple of times before talking with him. They talked about Ed and Johnny Carson's relationship and about Ed's marriages among other things. Ed said that he finds Howard to be a very talented broadcaster even though he doesn't agree with everything he says. He even saw 'Private Parts' the movie and enjoyed it. Howard tried to get Ed to bad mouth a bunch of people but Ed just wouldn't do it. Howard asked him about Jerry Lewis and Jay Leno but Ed wouldn't say a bad word about them. The only person he almost said bad stuff about was some reporter from Star Magazine who wrote an article about him. He sued her and won. It sounded like Ed had a good time during the call so maybe he'll come into the studio sometime. Howard promoted this phone call yesterday on the show and to tell the truth I didn't believe that Ed would actually call in. It surprised the hell out of me.
  • Howard finishes off a 'Hooters Girl' game before interviewing Luke Perry. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/13/01. 7:55am
      (Snipped) The guy who called in with the Jackie tape earlier in the show wanted to play the rest of the Hooters Girl Game that Howard started yesterday. Howard only had 3 questions left to play so he let this guy play along for a prize. Luke listened in while they played. The caller was playing for a $250 gift certificate to Buy.com. Here are the three questions:

    N
    What is 10 percent of 200?	Two dollars	N

    • The caller got the first two right so he won the prize and didn't have to answer the third. The girl only got 2 questions correct yesterday. (Snipped)
  • Howard talks to a woman on the phone who thinks she's Elizabeth Taylor's illegitimate daughter.
  • David Spade promotes 'Joe Dirt.' An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4/6/01. 7:10am
      Actor David Spade came in this morning to promote his new movie 'Joe Dirt' which opens next week. Howard said when he came in he looked like Johnny Depp in 'Blow' with his hair all puffed out and bleached blonde. Spade said he had to do it for a thing he's working on before the actors strike. Howard said it looked like his nails were polished too but David just laughed when Howard brought that up.

      Howard said David left a message on his machine recently saying that he really likes Beetlejuice when he's on the show. Howard decided to have Beet come in to hang out with David today. Beetlejuice came walking in 'like Apollo Creed in Rocky..' David said. David said he loves when Beet says 'Who me!?' Spade spent a minute talking to Beet about weight lifting and his small head. Beetlejuice said his small head is all fake. He doesn't really have a tiny head on a big body?

      David talked about his movie 'Joe Dirt' a little bit. He said that he and Fred Wolf wrote it together.

      Howard changed subjects and asked David what he's done about an assistant since his last assistant, Skippy, tried to kill him. David said he got a new assistant and Gary broke in over the speaker and said that she's a piece of ass. She was in the green room so Howard had her come in.

      The new assistant, Lindsey, came in and spoke to Howard for a little while. Howard tried to find out what she does for David but they both kept saying that it's just a day to day thing. Howard said she's really cute and asked David if he's banging her. He's not but Howard soon found out that he's dating some chick from 'Baywatch'. Howard checked out some pictures of her and said that he can't believe he's getting her.

      Howard took a couple of quick phone calls and started to wrap things up with Spade pretty quick. He said Spade had to get out of there. One woman called in and said that David's ex-assistant Skippy actually took some people on a tour of David's house. David had no idea that happened.

      David said that he may do a quick appearance on Saturday Night Live this week. He said Kid Rock may also show up with him.

      Howard and David spoke to Beetlejuice a little bit more before the end of the segment. Howard asked Beet if he knows when his movie is coming out. He plays the part of a Pinhead in the film but he's not sure when it'll be out. He just said 'in a couple of days...' when Howard asked him about the release date. He's also going to be in the Wayans brothers movie 'Scary Movie 2'. He plays the part of a kid who gets a blood transfusion and dies in that movie. You can find out more about Beetlejuice at JollyDwarf.com